 More than a thought
Tallulah Habib
Our lives are becoming more and more digital. But are there some areas that should remain firmly rooted in real life?
You can tell a lot about a person on a first date. How he or she looks is only one of the minor factors. By being in someone’s presence you can pick up on a whole bunch of verbal and non-verbal cues. Does the person have a good laugh? Do they scratch their butt a lot? Do they smell of onion? You may not walk away knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with the person, but you at least have a general idea of who they are.
When meeting someone online, all that goes out the window. Which, let’s face it, may be a good thing for those out there with onion breath and a donkey-laugh. It may also be a good thing for those of us who are just a little too quick to judge. Meeting someone online gets all of that stuff out of the way and burrows right down to the actual person, their personality.
Online, relieved of the pressure of sound, sight, smell and social performance, you are free to make conversation and be judged on that conversation alone. You have time to think of witty responses, and who cares if your own giggles are a little off-key? You also have a much wider variety of dates to choose from, with geography removed from the equation and, conveniently, social profiles that scope out what you have in common.
It’s easy. Very easy. And that’s possibly why dating sites such as Match.com and Plenty of Fish are in the top 500 websites in the world, according to internet ranking site Alexa. Perhaps, however, it’s a bit too easy.
Fantasy
How much of an online relationship is real? And how much is just fantasy? The human mind is brilliant at filling in the gaps.
Psychotherapist Khalid Sohail says: “I feel that the mystery of internet relationships stimulates people’s imagination and they start the relationship merging reality with fantasy.”
She has treated many patients who have been hurt by internet relationships, either because one party consciously lied about who they were or because of different ideas about the status of the relationship.
Sociologist John Thompson makes a similar point, calling virtual partners “malleable”. The physical distance helps you shape the person according to your own wishes, feelings and desires.
The physical distance also enables the relationship to be slotted into one’s daily life, conveniently there when you need it and gone when you need to concentrate on something else.
Keep it real
The key, according to most online dating advice sites, is to try to transition the relationship from virtual into real as soon as possible to prevent the fantasy from taking over.
In the case of dating someone on the other side of the world, this can be difficult. It can also be hard even if you live a few blocks away. There is always the chance that meeting the person in real life will destroy the image you have of them, or worse, theirs of you. But isn’t it a case of sooner rather than later? To make the transition easier, you can send photos, make phone calls and eventually move on to the webcam.
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